Some recent events have forced me to really evaluate what motivates me. I’ve talked before about Fear and Insecurity, and at the time I thought I had a better handle on it. However, I’ve had to deal with some harsh realities lately, that are the result of my own actions.
I was asked a pretty straightforward question about the things I’d done – Why? I couldn’t answer the question. I was frustrated, because the question was prompted multiple times, in a number of ways, yet I still couldn’t answer the question. I didn’t know why I had done things that were damaging to myself.
For whatever reason, I finally came to the conclusion – I had acted out of fear. I had done a thing, to suppress fears that I had about something else.
Realizing that is pretty important to me, because I’m starting to see that pattern in a lot of areas in my life. I buy things to distract myself from relationship insecurities. I workout to “earn” my ability to be wanted by others. I write code, to shut my monkey-mind up from tormenting me. I run away from problems, because I doubt my ability to fix them.
I wish I had answers about any of this. I don’t. I think acknowledgement is the first step. Realizing what’s happening before I react, gives me the chance to do something constructive, instead of destructive.